I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
