Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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