hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
