oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
