Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
