Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
