Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
