I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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