I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
