he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
