It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize