Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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