I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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