I accidentally burped into my bong.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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