i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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