you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
