i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
