OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
