i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I pour the whiskey from now on
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
