I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
