absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
