the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
