I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
