i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
