My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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