wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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