this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
