Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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