I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
All I want is dick and wine.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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