She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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