no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
