You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
