if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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