jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Randomize
