Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
