the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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