Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
