I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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