dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
