I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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