why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
