if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
