i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
