Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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