I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
