naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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