He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I FOUND THE LEGS
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
