oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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