I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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