Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
