I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
