I hope mine doesn't look like that
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
