yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
pray to the hookup gods
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
