I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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