Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
