My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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