um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
